As Much as You Want to Celebrate Captain Kirk's Gigolo Mentality, for Your Fan Film, You CAN'T

And why is that, Spock? How is that logical? Surely one of the mainstays of Star Trek especially when concerning a fan film is the fact that you get to revel and enjoy the characterization of some of your favorites out there! Make no mistake.... Captain Kirk has always been, and always will be, quite the gigolo (after all, he's slept with many a green alien woman).

It's Now a Known Fact, Though, That According to CBS and Paramount, All Fan Film Productions of Star Trek Must Be 'Family Friendly'

That means no hijinks in the bedroom with borg women. No weird goings-on with Tribbles and some fierce foreplay with Klingons. You've got to make your Star Trek fan film completely G-rated, and if you don't believe me, here's the official statement:

"The fan production must be family friendly and suitable for public presentation. Videos must not include profanity, nudity, obscenity, pornography, depictions of drugs, alcohol, tobacco, or any harmful or illegal activity, or any material that is offensive, fraudulent, defamatory, libelous, disparaging, sexually explicit, threatening, hateful, or any other inappropriate content. The content of the fan production cannot violate any individual's right of privacy."

We can arguably say that this has to be the harshest rule so far out of all those legal guidelines.... I mean, look at some of the episodes we've seen so far, the cheesy, almost sleazy, Starfleet uniforms they once had to wear, and ship's counselor Deanna Troy had to wear. She looked like an intergalactic cheerleader, for crying out loud.

Alas, Captain Kirk Must Then Become Celibate

That is the way of the law. Pity Kirk on his 5-year mission. It's a long time to go without having all the fun he typically's used to having.

Thankfully, this animated fan film fits the bill even while having a rather attractive-looking vulcan in it:

5 Things You Need to Keep in Mind When Thinking About Selling Copies of Your Star Trek Fan Film

We get it: the temptation is there. When you've made something that glorious, something Starfleet would be proud of, you automatically want to do more than just upload the darn thing on YouTube. Or even set up Google Adsense ads  to make a little bit of revenue.

But You Can't. And Here's Why:

• According to the statement written by CBS and Paramount, limited fundraising is fine as long as the amount doesn't exceed $50K. You can't make or raise money beyond that.
• They've explicitly stated that the Star Trek fan film has to be shown and distributed basically for free, or shared on social media without any kind of ad revenue whatsoever. Sorry.
• You can't even distribute the film on DVD or Blu-Ray.
• You're not even allowed to sell -- or even give away -- any production-related merchandise or services as part of a reward or 'perk' during your fundraising campaigns for the production.
• And, sadly, you can't sell or license any of your costumes, props or production sets. They stay yours. And solely yours.

Hey, Don't Complain: It's Better Than Having Your Star Trek Fan Film Get Blasted by a Phaser Set to Kill

These days, when it comes to the law, that cease-and-desist letter really seems like a phaser set only on stun. It won't kill you. But it'll certainly stop you from what you're doing.

One thing's for sure: this fan film video on YouTube, according to CBS and Paramount trademark rules, would face some serious phaser heat (especially when doing a weird unholy alliance of musical scores involving a certain "Battlestar Galactica" show):

Why You Can't Record Spy Footage of William Shatner for Your Star Trek Fan Film

Even if Mr. William Shatner agrees to perform some sort of clip for you, sad to say.... You can't use the footage in a Star Trek fan film! It's sad, but true.

But Why, Spock? Why Is It Illogical From a Trademark Standpoint to Use the "Real" Actors?

You'd think Paramount would want any fan films to be as authentic as possible. That's just not the case. You have to use official merchandise and authentic uniforms, but under no circumstances can even the actor who played Klingon #1 in an episode of "Star Trek: the Next Generation" can appear in your fan film, and here's the reason why:

Your fan film has to truly be a "fan film." A fan production. Anything more than that, and you're toying with the legal fires of a photon torpedo. It's pretty clear. The actual statement from Paramount says this much:

"The fan production must be a real "fan" production, i.e., creators, actors and all other participants must be amateurs, cannot be compensated for their services, and cannot be currently or previously employed on ANY STAR TREK SERIES, FILMS, PRODUCTION OF DVDs OR WITH ANY OF CBS OR PARAMOUNT PICTURES' LICENSEES."

Pretty harsh, we know. But it makes sense:

After All, This Is About Your Love for the STORY Behind the Star Trek

And not the actual brand. The copyright and trademark owners here love you and what you're doing. They just want to make sure that it's all you and no one else (associated with them, that is).

And, yes, you heard correctly: you can't even pay your actors (or yourself) for doing this. Your fan film must, simply put, be a labor of love.

Try to see if you can spot any real actors from anything related to the protected properties of the brand of Star Trek here: